Introduction – How Our Beliefs Shape Our Conversations

These days, we have more means of communication and connection than ever before. We can Skype, text, tweet, e-mail, Facetime, and so on, but our interactions have not become richer, and in many cases, they’ve gotten worse. Improving the way we interact with one another is one of the most powerful and important things we can do to improve our schools.

Good communication is at the heart of both teaching and coaching. If you coach teachers, learning to be an effective communicator is one of the best ways you can benefit students.

What Makes a Conversation “Better”?

There are times when you just need to tell someone else what to do. If someone is about to be hit by a bus, it’s appropriate to say, or even yell, “get out of the way!” But too often, we default to this “telling” or top-down style of conversing when it isn’t necessary and it isn’t helpful.

Instead, Knight proposes that we conduct “Better Conversations” in schools. A better conversation is one in which you position the person you’re speaking with as a full partner rather than an audience for what you have to say or a receptacle for your ideas. This isn’t just a “nicer” way to be, it is a more effective way to communicate.

Imagine the impact if everyone in schools communicated better whether that’s teacher to teacher, coach to teacher, principal to teacher, teacher to student, student to student, or teacher to parent.  These better conversations are grounded in the beliefs and habits you’ll learn in this summary.

Beliefs and Habits

We will have better conversations when our beliefs about others and our habits of conversation align. The majority of the book is devoted to developing the habits needed for better conversations, but what about the beliefs that underpin those habits? Here are six beliefs in order to conduct better conversations:

Even if we think we agree with all six beliefs above, we don’t always exhibit behaviors that align with those beliefs when we conduct coaching conversations. After watching herself in a video, instructional coach Jenni realized that her tone and the questions she asked did not communicate her respect for her colleagues. That’s where habits come in.

In the remainder of the book, Knight teaches ten habits that we can adopt to lead us into better conversations. As you read on, look for implementation strategies for each habit in boldface type within the text to help you develop each habit.

Habit 1 – Demonstrating Empathy

Understanding what your conversation partner thinks and feels in an essential component of a better conversation. This deeper-level understanding that includes the emotions is called empathy. There are two types of empathy: affective empathy and cognitive empathy. Affective empathy is sharing and experiencing another person’s emotions. You cannot necessarily control this type of empathy because it is based in your emotions.

Cognitive empathy, on the other hand, involves understanding and accepting that other people have different tastes, experiences, and worldviews than your own. While you may not always engage in cognitive empathy naturally or automatically, you can exercise some control in this area and intentionally increase your cognitive empathy for others.

Our capacity for cognitive empathy is not fixed. We can develop our empathy with practice. One way you can practice demonstrating empathy is to have empathy with yourself. Don’t dismiss or discount your own thoughts and feelings. Don’t explain them away as “just this” or “just that.” Hear yourself and believe yourself. This practice will make it easier for you to hear and believe others.

You can also try to take a step back from your “stories” and labels regarding others. To some degree, we all build narratives to explain what is going on around us. We start with facts and observations and use our predictions and assumptions to fill in the blanks. But if you mentally label someone “stubborn” or even a seemingly positive label like “a leader” or “super organized” this can get in the way of your ability to really see them for who they are.

Like labels, “stories” cause also cause problems, and they can be even harder to recognize. “He’s a first-year teacher and just learning the ropes.” “She’s got that ‘wild’ class this year. They’ve been like that since kindergarten, so no wonder she’s struggling.”  “She went to an Ivy League school, so she probably thinks she knows everything.” Whether these statements are true or false, they are not helping you connect to the person in front of you. Clear your mind before listening. Put your own imagined narratives aside. Let the speaker tell you their own story and say what is meaningful to them.

If you coach teachers, what actions could you take to demonstrate a real desire to develop your empathy for them? Could you spend a day or more shadowing teachers and immersing yourself in their daily experience?

Habit 2 – Listening with Empathy

Even if you have cognitive empathy for someone, you should also practice applying your empathy while listening. When you listen with empathy, you are not trying to discern the speaker’s motives or read into their words. Rather, you try to simply hear and take in what they have to say. You allow the conversation to change your perspective or change your understanding of the other person, an issue, or even yourself. 

One simple strategy to develop empathetic listening is to commit to really listen. This doesn’t mean you’ll achieve perfect listening immediately or every time, but once you commit, you will begin to notice when you are pulled away from listening – by a thought that centers yourself and objectifies the other person, by a random task that pops into your head, or even by the impulse to check your phone. When you are mentally pulled away from the conversation, draw yourself back. Return your focus to the conversation as soon as you notice it wandering. Don’t allow yourself excuses for tuning out, thinking off topic, or checking your electronic devices.

In addition to returning your focus to the conversation when you need to, another strategy is to speak less and return the speaking role to your conversation partner. Whenever you find yourself speaking in the conversation, intentionally return yourself to the listening role and place your partner in the speaking role by asking a question or otherwise allowing them to direct the conversation.

Avoid assuming and predicting what they may think or feel, and instead hand the speaking role back frequently and allow yourself to listen as much as possible. This demonstrates that you care what your partner has to say and allows you to experience the conversation as a learning opportunity rather than a speaking opportunity.

Don’t be too quick to respond, especially with statements that will shut down the conversation or negate the other person’s ideas. Even if it’s true, saying something like “we already tried that and it didn’t work,” communicates a lack of openness and lack of interest in whatever else the person may want to say about their idea. One strategy to slow you down is to pause and ask yourself, Will what I’m about to say open up or shut down the conversation? Let the pause aim the conversation in the direction of openness.

Finally, make it your goal to never interrupt. Interrupting subtly communicates that the other person’s thoughts do not matter and your own ideas matter much, much more. Instead, choose not to interrupt and demonstrate to others how important they are to you.

Habit 3 – Fostering Dialogue

Dialogue is a learning conversation where both partners hear each other, understand each other, and allow themselves to be shaped by the other’s thoughts. In other words, dialogue is an opportunity to learn. Dialogue has both moral and practical value.

Practically speaking, dialogue just works better. Top-down conversations (the opposite of dialogue) tend to result in power struggles, which are either outright conflict, or can look like passive acceptance (in which the “lower” partner non-verbally complies, but silently knows they have no intention of doing what they’re being told to do). Frequently in top-down conversations, participants focus on avoiding conflict rather than sharing their opinion or achieving a positive outcome. Often the result is nothing more than the avoidance of conflict. Dialogue between equal partners is what is needed to move forward and achieve actual results.

Morally speaking, engaging in dialogue means treating others as complete human beings with their own ideas, rather than merely as receptacles for your ideas. Dialogue connects us while top-down conversation isolates, divides, and dehumanizes us. Overall, dialogue builds relationships and improves thinking. Below are a few strategies for fostering effective dialogue.

If we are discussing student engagement, but we have different definitions of student engagement, then we will struggle to have a meaningful dialogue. Clarify words and concepts to help dialogue move forward. Beware, too, of false clarity. Just because we defined a word doesn’t mean we have defined it correctly. Sometimes one person understands something on a superficial level and assumes there is no more to know, when someone else knows about it on a deeper level. Stay open to learning from others and finding more information when you need it. To engage in real dialogue, be sure you and your partner are really talking about the same thing.

Stories can help us connect our personal experiences to larger ideas, bringing the ideas to life. Sometimes there are dimensions to what we want to discuss that we might forget to include or would not be able to easily define. Tell a story or use an analogy to make those dimensions visible and help others more deeply understand what we mean.

Lastly, to engage in true dialogue, we must let go of the notion that there is just one right answer. Strive to keep your self-centeredness and pride under control. Be humble, listen to others, and stay open to discovering that your ideas are wrong. Care more about learning than winning. Make it easy for others to share differing opinions or correct you if you are wrong.

Habit 4 Asking Better Questions

A key ingredient of great dialogue – important enough to stand as a habit all on its own – is asking great questions. Well-chosen questions make dialogue possible.

As part of a study on instructional coaching, Knight and his colleagues watched videos of coaching conversations. The first few were friendly but flat conversations, and they weren’t broaching the topics that mattered most. In the next video, something very different happened. A teacher, who’d been in a low-energy conversation earlier in the day, was asked her opinion about something, and suddenly, she came alive and this became a powerful coaching conversation.

The difference was evident to everyone watching – because the coach had asked an excellent question, this opened the door to a better conversation.

So, how do you go about asking better questions that lead to better conversations? To start, avoid asking questions to which you already know the answer. Ask genuine questions because you want to hear what the other person has to say. It is estimated that 40% of questions are really statements disguised as questions. “The activity was very engaging for the students, wasn’t it?” Instead of asking fake questions as a way to express your own thoughts, be curious about what the person thinks and use questions to investigate.

Be aware of the way you phrase your questions, too. Aim for open-ended questions rather than closed-ended ones. A closed-ended question might have some value in gathering information. “Which reading program are you using?” will elicit an informative but brief answer. It doesn’t move the dialogue forward. Instead, you might try, “What do you think are the strengths and weaknesses of this particular reading program?” This should elicit the teacher’s thoughts and opinions and new possible topics about which to ask next.

Asking for examples is a powerful form of open-ended questioning. It leaves the answer open ended and invites the other person to share a meaningful idea. Ask for examples to reach greater clarity and give your conversation partner more opportunities to express themself. If a teacher says she likes the extension activities provided in the math curriculum, you might say, “Oh, I’m glad to hear that. How have you used the extension activities? Can you give me some examples?”

Finally, don’t be judgmental when you receive an answer to a question you asked. Expressing criticism or judgement with your words or in your face or body language will only discourage the person from elaborating or answering honestly next time. Offering unsolicited advice is also a form of judgement. Your conversation partners don’t want advice unless they specifically ask for it.

Habit 5 – Making Emotional Connections

Author Brené Brown says that “connection is why we’re here.” We all know that emotional connection is life-enriching, and yet we miss so many opportunities to connect. A participant in one of Knight’s studies noted that she needed to learn to “be aware and not just go through the motions” when conversing with others. To increase your emotional connection with others it is essential to be fully present. If you don’t pay attention, you miss the chance.

As we go about our lives among other people, we “bid” for connection with them and they “bid” for connection with us. A bid could be a question, a greeting, a compliment, an offer of help, a smile, or wave. We respond to bids for connection in one of three ways. Sometimes, we turn toward the bid: a smile or wave back, a friendly response to their question, a follow-up question about them. These kinds of responses acknowledge the other person positively and open up space for further connection.

Sometimes, however, we turn away from bids. Often, this is unintentional. We either don’t notice the bid, or we’re distracted and respond in a less-than-enthusiastic way (imagine a store clerk saying, “Have a good day!” and you say “Thanks, you, too” in a flat tone and walk off without making eye-contact or smiling). Turning away from a bid for connection can result in the bidder feeling deflated and losing confidence. Finally, a person might respond to a bid negatively and turn against the bid. This is less common, but more obvious when it happens (imagine a colleague walking up to join a conversation, and the two who are talking turn their backs to exclude her).

We can deepen our emotional connections with the teachers we coach by making bids, as well as being on the lookout for bids we can turn toward. To avoid missing bids due to distraction, remember to practice being fully present. If you are so nervous about what you’ll say in a coaching conversation that you rehearse your words, then in the moment you might be so focused on what you’re saying that you miss the chance to connect. One coach Knight worked with “learned she has to stop getting so wrapped up in coaching that she forgets to relate to the human side of people.” If you can take the time to be fully present with the other person, you’ll both have more opportunities to bid and respond to bids for connection.

Also, keep in mind that building an emotional connection is not a one-time interaction. You need to be persistent. A friendly inquiry about weekend plans is a good bid for connection, but bidding again on Monday and asking how the hike or the barbecue or the grandkid’s soccer game went will build an even greater emotional connection. Connections are built over time with smiles and hellos, genuine questions about life, and genuine offers of support and encouragement.

Habit 6 – Being a Witness to the Good

When you are a witness to the good, you watch for and comment on the positive things people do. It is a service to others to share your genuine appreciation and admiration. Teachers of young children are often experts at this habit. They say things like, “I notice you are really taking your time to add details to your drawing.” Small comments like this help young children build their confidence and make more positive choices. With adults, we tend to under-communicate about positive things, focusing instead on what needs to change, but adults, too, benefit from encouragement and positive comments from someone who sees them and the good things they do.

Show the adults you work with that you see their hard work; you see their efforts to get along with team members; you notice they did something creative, or courageous, or considerate. Be specific. “That was so generous of you to offer to share the work you’ve done with your teammates,” is better than, “You’re so generous.” Just as teachers use their language to help their students develop a “growth” as opposed to “fixed” mindset, coaches can do the same for teachers. Praise teachers’ choices, actions, and behaviors, especially when they are working to improve, instead of praising their traits as if they are unchangeable. “I noticed that you had a back-up plan in place, which meant you could be flexible when the students caught on so quickly at the beginning,” means more and will have more of a long-term impact than, “You are really flexible.”

Be direct and share your praise or appreciation face to face. “Jean, thank you so much for all your help on this project,” is much more personal and impactful than a generic, “Thank you to Jean, Tanisha, and Stewart for their help with this project,” uttered at a staff meeting after the project’s complete (though public appreciation is nice in addition to the personal kind).

Finally, try to make your feedback nonattributive when you can. In other words, instead of attributing a positive comment to someone’s character traits (“Brian, you’re a real team player”) share experiences that demonstrate that person’s qualities (“Brian, three of your colleagues have mentioned how much they’ve benefited from your help this year.”)

Often, teachers are emotionally exhausted from all that their jobs require, and this can make it difficult for them to see the good they are doing. Their colleagues, coaches, and administrators might also tend to focus on what needs to be improved because everyone is so pressed for time that they skip the praise. Don’t deprive the teachers around you of the vitality that comes from recognition and appreciation. Show them that you see the best in them and help them to see it in themselves and in one another.

Habit 7 – Finding Common Ground

Common ground makes relationships possible, and it is also the necessary foundation for better conversations. When we look for common ground with our conversation partners, we are sure to find it. In many ways, people are more alike than they are different, and even when we differ in significant ways, we are likely to hold some experiences, interests, or values in common.

Often it seems people do the exact opposite of seeking common ground. We zoom in on differences, mentally dividing everyone into groups based on their most polarizing traits or opinions. But try instead to go into a conversation actively looking for what you might have in common. Commit to finding common ground at the outset of an interaction. Your commitment to finding common ground will make it more likely that you discover something the two of you share.

The truth is, you probably share certain experiences and values with nearly everyone in the education profession. Imagine meeting someone new in another context and learning they work in education. “Me too!” you would likely say, feeling you would have something in common. If you encounter educators at work with whom you seem to share little, remember you both chose to enter the same field, probably to serve students and help them learn. You also likely both know what it’s like to teach a lesson that “flops,” to have a student tell you how much you meant to them, or to have such a difficult class you couldn’t imagine getting through the year. While you probably share something with just about anyone, you likely share even more with the teachers you coach.

You can use the acronym I-CARE to help you carry out your commitment to uncovering commonalities with your conversation partners. I-CARE stands for Interests, Convictions, Activities, Roles, and Experiences. Common interests might be found in your profession, such as a passion for discovering new children’s literature, or in your life such as following the same sport. A common conviction you probably share with most educators is a commitment to students. It can be powerful to return to this shared conviction if you find you disagree on other things. Common activities like running, baking, or even watching television can provide sources of commonalities. Most people who coach or supervise teachers have also worked as classroom teachers in the past. They share at least one common role with the teachers they coach or supervise and probably many others as well such as being a parent, a friend, a sibling, and so on. You can also look for common experiences you share with your conversation partner such as visiting the same foreign city or more common experiences like caring for pets, driving on highways at rush hour, or planning a wedding.

Don’t dwell on common ground that is negative, especially if it is about another person. It can feel good in the moment to bond over the misery of working with a particularly challenging colleague, a difficult student, or an especially demanding parent, but you should avoid toxic connections. This type of gossip is demeaning. It diminishes others, our workplaces, and ourselves.

Finally, choose words that unite over words that divide. Your language can have a powerful effect on the human connections around you. Well-chosen phrases can build others up and contribute to a positive environment by emphasizing teamwork and appreciation. Try to use these basic words that unite: we instead of I, yes instead of no, and and instead of but. Divisive words and phrases, on the other hand, cast someone in a bad light, carry negative connotations, and separate you from others.

Habit 8 – Controlling Toxic Emotions

Some conversations are very, very far from “better” conversations. They are the ones that veer into bad tempers and toxic negativity. You might know going in that a conversation has the potential to go badly or you might find yourself in the middle of a conversation that unexpectedly takes a nasty turn. These conversations happen in our personal lives (a relative makes a racist comment at a family gathering or your teen does exactly what you asked them not to do) and in our professional lives (you need to speak with a teacher about complaints from parents or have a conversation about a hot-button curricular issue). So, what can you do?

Begin by doing your best to control your own emotions. If you allow your emotions to take over, it will be almost impossible for you to apply the habits and techniques of better conversations. Use the mantra “Name It, Reframe It, and Tame It” as your guide.

First, reflect on your emotion, then “Name It.” “I’m angry” you might think (or uncomfortable, anxious, afraid, etc.). Next, challenge yourself to discover why you are experiencing that emotion. Emotions often have complex underlying causes. If you are expecting a tough conversation and are aware of your emotions, you can use the “five whys” strategy to get to the bottom of your feelings. This involves asking “why” repeatedly (it doesn’t need to be exactly five times) in order to find deeper level causes.

The next step, “Reframe It,” encourages us to imagine possibilities that decrease our anger or other feelings. Reframing sounds like, “She could be this angry because she believes her integrity is being questioned,” or “He might be so defensive because he is anxious his job is at stake,” or “Their anger might be disguising fear for their son’s future.” Positioning yourself as a listener and learner in the conversation may also help you to reframe by allowing you to see angles you would miss if you were deep in your own emotions.

Lastly, “Tame It” to make sure your emotions don’t get the best of you – or cause you to behave in ways you know you should not. If an emotionally charged conversation sneaks up on you and you are not prepared, buy some time by taking a quick break to gather your thoughts and get your emotions under control. You can even buy time without leaving the conversation by slowing things down, pausing, paraphrasing, or asking for clarification. Focusing on your breath also helps you gain control while still remaining present.

You could also try taming emotions by going to the balcony, that is taking a step back mentally. You imagine yourself watching the conversation from above to help you detach emotionally. From this remove you could turn the situation into a game in which you attempt to score your personal best at maintaining your composure. You can even invite your partner or a whole group to take a step back by describing an unproductive pattern you observe in the conversation. “It wasn’t my intent for us to get into a cycle where each side argues that they’re right. That isn’t going to get us anywhere. Let’s break out of that pattern and work together to find a solution.”

Habit 9 – Redirecting Toxic Conversations

As a leader, you can help shape a culture in which toxic conversations rarely start and are never allowed to flourish. This is a little tricky because in some ways it seems counter to the Better Conversations Beliefs. If you “want to hear what others have to say” and you believe others “should have a lot of autonomy,” then should you be shutting down conversations? How can you avoid being “preachy” or placing yourself above others if you are telling them their conversation is not acceptable?

Instructional Coach Amy found one of her first meetings at a new school to be dominated by gossip and negative talk about others in the building. She listened, wanting to build a relationship, but later, she regretted this conversation. As an educator in a leadership position she needed to develop her skill at redirecting this type of toxic conversation.

First, it helps to know how to recognize a toxic conversation when you see one. Keep in mind that these conversations can be the obviously offensive ones in which groups of people are put down or stereotyped (racist or sexist comments, for example), but they can also be more subtle such as with gossip and complaints. Conversations that begin with “Guess what she did this time…” might feel like “bonding” in the moment, but they poison the school’s culture and breed distrust.

Leaders can establish and reinforce norms to stop toxic conversations before they start.   Everyone in the community should have a voice in developing the norms, and once they’re put in place, everyone (leaders especially) needs to “walk the walk.”

If a toxic conversation does begin, divert it by moving it in a different direction. When you do, address the words, not the person. Make it clear that you are not judging the speaker, but that this line of talk can’t continue. Depending on what’s been said, you might try simply changing the subject without comment, or with a neutral comment like, “Let’s get away from opinions and back to facts and things we can control.” If complaints are starting to dominate a conversation, point out what’s happening. For example, “We’re doing a lot of complaining about kids, but I don’t think that’s helping us come up with any solutions. Let’s try brainstorming actions we could try.” By naming what is happening you make it clear it’s not OK and you’re going to shift the conversation.

If a negative and false statement has already been made, you can correct it. For example, if a teacher characterized a child’s parent as “not caring at all,” you could correct this statement by saying, “Actually, based on our meeting last week, I would say she cares a lot.”

Better conversations will not become the norm in your workplace if gossip and toxic topics are allowed to take root. The norms we establish and uphold and the way we respond if toxic conversations begin can steer us all in a better direction.

Habit 10 – Building Trust

If it’s your job to coach teachers, then how do you get them to trust you? There’s no quick and easy answer because trust is complex. In fact, Knight identifies five research-based components of trust: warmth, stewardship, character, competence, and reliability.

Warmth is a matter of human connections. Habits 5, 6, and 7 (Making Emotional Connections, Being a Witness to the Good, and Finding Common Ground) are all ways we can express warmth. Another is by allowing yourself to be vulnerable. When we are vulnerable, we make ourselves more approachable and demonstrate that regardless of leadership roles or positions of authority, we are like everyone else. Vulnerability is a common ground that all humans share, and it is an essential component of trust.

Stewardship means that we are putting the good of others first. One of the worst things you can do for trust is making things all about you. If you put yourself (your ideas, your goals, how you want others to perceive you) first, you are destroying trust. The opposite of trust-destroying self-centering, is trust-building other-centering. Build trust by showing you are there to be of service by being a good steward of other people’s time and talents. When others consistently observe that you act and speak with their best interests at heart, they will begin to trust you.

A person with good character is honest and therefore trustworthy. But there are many ways of being dishonest and some are less obvious or seem to be less wrong than others. However, they all damage trust to some extent. Flattery seems nice if it’s directed at you, but it’s also manipulation and dishonesty in which the speaker is trying to get something from you. Withholding information is also dishonesty. So is gossiping because you say something to some people that you would not say in front of others. Being honest and transparent in every way you can helps you to build trust.

A reliable person is someone who does what they say they’ll do. That’s someone you can trust. And we all mean to be reliable, but are we? Does overcommitment or dealing with the crisis of the day cause us to regularly miss or be late to meetings or scheduled observations? A teacher may believe that you mean well, but if she can’t get your attention to ask for your help when she needs it, she won’t really trust you. Being reliable requires committing only to things we can do and then making sure we do them. For some, becoming reliable will include becoming more organized, more available to others, and better at managing time.

Being competent is another key ingredient in building trust. A warm demeanor is a good start, but if someone is depending on you, then you also need to have the skills to help them. If your district has adopted a new reading program and you are coaching a teacher implementing that program, you need to know the program inside and out. She will not trust you to effectively coach her if she finds herself having to explain the program to you or correct your misconceptions about it. Part of competence is also appearing competent. This does not mean you should dishonestly fake knowledge that you don’t have, but appearing calm and collected rather than fumbling through conversations will help others to trust your competence.

Finally, you need to be credible in order to be trusted as competent. If you try to coach a teacher on developing a calmer classroom management style, yet you yourself can be observed shouting at students in the hallways on a daily basis, what reason will the teacher have to trust your advice – you are not credible. Leaders need to “walk the talk” to be credible. If you want teachers to do something, such as use video recordings to improve their practice, then you as a leader should be willing to do the same.

Establishing trust with your conversation partners takes time and repeated interactions, but it is worth the effort as it pays off in more open, more honest, and better conversations.

Conclusion

After learning and practicing these ten habits, return to the six beliefs introduced at the beginning. The habits and beliefs work in tandem. When we embrace the Better Conversations Beliefs, then we naturally want to converse in a way that expresses those beliefs. We express the six beliefs through the Ten Habits for Better Conversations. For example, when we believe that conversation should be back and forth then we want to ask better questions. When we ask better questions, our conversations are more back and forth. When we see our conversation partner as an equal, we want to find common ground. When we find common ground, we more easily see them as an equal. The beliefs underpin the habits, and the habits express the beliefs. Continue to practice all the beliefs and habits of better conversations, especially those that are difficult for you, and you will find yourself experiencing better conversations.

As you work on your new habits, take time to evaluate how you are doing at implementing them. Jim Knight strongly recommends the practice of videoing yourself during conversations (with your conversation partner’s permission, of course). Reviewing video of yourself in a conversation can give you helpful insight into how your words, behaviors, and body language align with the beliefs and habits you are learning to embody. Taking videos of multiple conversations over a period of time can also help you see your growth.

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